#MeToo and I — The horrors continue
Amid the horror stories flooding in from Afghanistan for the last 10 days, we were smacked with the news of horrific molestation and groping incident of a woman TikToker on Pakistan’s Independence Day at Minar-e-Pakistan.
And as if that wasn’t enough to send all of us women spiraling into the abysmal darkness of all the horrific memories of our past experiences, another incident took place last evening where a young girl was force kissed by a random guy in the middle of traffic while all the bystanders sniggered, made videos and complained about “aaj kal ki kudiyan” (girls these days) because she was screaming with anger and frustration and humiliation.
While talking to a very, very good friend last night I realized that men are not just unaware about what women go through when something like this happens, but they are callously apathetic and blind to us. I am writing this for those few men, maybe a handful, who want to try and understand what goes on within us each day, and I am writing this for all the victims of sexual abuse regardless of their sex. I hope your experiences haven’t hardened you.
Let us talk numbers first,
According to Unwomen.org, “1 in 3 women is subjected to intimate partner violence or non-partner sexual violence or both at least once in their life.”
According to 1in6.org, “at least 1 in 6 men have experienced sexual abuse or assault, whether in childhood or as adults. And this is probably a low estimate, since it doesn’t include noncontact experiences, which can also have lasting negative effects.”
By the above logic, half of this earth’s population has been sexually assaulted at least once in their lifetime. That’s 50% of us. That makes us just under 4 billion.
Honestly, I don’t know who those 2 in 3 women are that have never been sexually abused as I am yet to meet one, and I have been really looking for them a long, long time. But for the rest of us, who have been assaulted, molested, abused, groped, pinched, felt up, brushed, or violated in worse, more violent ways, even once in our lives, every story, every news, every article of sexual crime acts as a trigger. We get triggered looking at another life go through the same experience as us. All the memories of our lived experiences come and hit us like a high tide. All the stories, news, movies, everything, comes back and hits us. And yes, all those times when we were shamed and blamed for our own assault also comes back with the realization that this victim too will be blamed for their assault.
All the men I know, all of them, cry foul when I say that all men are trash. But tell me, am I wrong? It is because of men like my “good” friend, that the men who are sexually assaulted do not come forward.
In a world where the number of men with whom I can comfortably leave my kid sister alone are just five, actually four now for one is dead, it is ALL MEN.
In a world where I am told to “fuck off and stay single” by a guy on a dating app for telling him that our political ideologies aren’t aligned and therefore I’m not interested, it is ALL MEN.
In a world where my direct number is distributed among half my city’s plumbers so that they can call me and ask my “rates” for time pass, it is ALL MEN.
In a world where I have to hide my full name on my Instagram profiles because I get constantly harassed by men for posting my honest responses on Quora, it is ALL MEN.
Men, they think that they have done us a huge favour by allowing us to work. They think that they are doing us a huge favour by granting us equal rights. What they don’t get is that as long as they will continue to believe that they are doing us favours, they will continue to be ALL MEN.
So yes, ALL MEN it is and if you want to change that, you need to change yourselves. Change yourselves to change the narrative.
Listen. Listen to the survivors of assault when they’re talking. Just shut-up and listen. We just want someone to listen sometimes. You needn’t bestow your gyaan on us.
Sympathize. You may never be able to empathize if you haven’t been in our shoes but you can try. Trying won’t hurt. Do not try to find blame in the victim. Remember, it is NOT the victim’s fault that they got assaulted.
Learn. Educate yourselves. Read, and read more. Read articles, studies, reports not just about the incidents but also their psychological impact on the survivors.
Come Forward. Most importantly, don’t just sit and watch or make videos when someone is getting assaulted. Say something, call the police, do anything but not nothing.
If you want to help, let it show. And if you don’t, then shut-up and let those who want to help do their job, but NEVER insult an individual already spiraling out of control by saying that they have a choice to react they way they are reacting and that they are “choosing to feel this way”.
You have no idea what choices are made of… For survivors of any kind of abuse, especially repeated sexual abuse like most women, getting out of bed is a choice we make each day. Letting repair guys come and fix something in our house is a choice we struggle to make. Stepping of our house to go to work or buy groceries is a choice we are forced to make (Thank God for work from home and home deliveries!). Sharing our direct number with a person we are getting to know through some dating app is a tough choice for us.
Every small decision that comes easily to you men is a difficult choice for us. So think before you speak to us or don’t speak at all. This world will be a better place with less trash spoken out loud, honestly.
